Surprise, surprise, another dream woke me up. Though i can’t say that this was necessarily a nightmare, it was disturbing. In the dream my ex showed up at my house and tried to argue with me that we should get back together.
I’m not sure if this would happen in real life, but I hope to God that it never does.
In the dream, he was delusional and not listening to me at all.
After talking to my therapist today, we actually discovered one of my “triggers” for Anxiety. And it is exactly that! When other people do not allow me to have my own thoughts. Drives me nuts.
And it makes sense, because I’m surrounded by family members who treat me like this, and my ex never let me have different thoughts about religion. There was a time that we were hanging out, and I cried simply because of the way that he was talking about other religions. He didn’t view Mormons as “true” Christians, and was trying to explain to me all of the reasons for why they weren’t “true”. And I was trying to explain to him, “Well, you might have that view, but people who are Mormon genuinely believe that they are true Christians.” But he didn’t understand. The thing is, no one could have different thoughts than him. There was only ONE truth for him, and that was his truth.
In the dream, he kept making the argument that I simply wasn’t listening to him. But the truth was, he wasn’t listening to me at all either. I shouldn’t have to listen to someone who won’t give me the same courtesy.
So listen to ME!
Go out and find yourself another girl. Someone else who will tolerate your conservative, one truth only, beliefs. Someone who will join in on your debates to tear other religions down. Someone who will love going to your church and attending bible study with you!
Cuz that girl just ain’t me.
I tried to make it work before. I tried changing myself, (which was horrible), and I tried changing you (which was and still is impossible!)
When we get down to it, I tried to bend for you, because you were unyielding. You had these strict beliefs, and all of them had to fit inside this tiny little box. And the sad thing is, I used to try and fit inside that tiny little box for you. But not anymore.
Because I won’t let myself feel guilty anymore for having independent thoughts about religion, or anything else for that matter! I won’t pray to God, asking Him if he wants me to change my religion. I won’t let myself feel like I have to tip toe around certain topics with my significant other. I won’t censor myself anymore.
In the next relationship that I’m in, the guy will have to accept me 100% as I am, or not at all. I’m not settling anymore.
With that being said, thank you for teaching me what I want in a relationship. I’ve figured out what’s really important to me, and all of the things that I just can’t stand. Unfortunately, you’re sliding into the second category.