I hate admitting it, but I’m jealous.
An old classmate of mine is pursuing her dream to become a singer and she is achieving it. She’s performing places, getting on tv, becoming known for her voice. And as much as I wish I could be happy for her, I can’t.
I must be a horrible person.
A little green monster is feasting upon my heart. I don’t like it, wish I could shoo him away, but it seems like he is there to stay.
The thing is, I’m not even mad at her. I’m mad because she’s out there being awesome and I’m not. I’m mad that I can’t devote as much time to playing music as I’d like. I’m mad that people don’t know my name, or praise my voice. I’m mad that her family is supportive of her musical dreams, while my folks are not. I’m mad that she has the guts to put herself out there, no matter what.
When you get down to it, it’s my problem that I’m mad at her. I feel inferior towards her. I’m not confident in my talent. I’m not the kind of person who thrusts herself in the spot light.
She’s out there chasing her dreams, and what am I doing? Sitting around jealous. Fat load that will do.
I don’t think I could ever audition for a television show. I don’t have the kind of ego for that, or a thick enough skin. I can’t go out every week looking for a gig. I can’t just start playing guitar on the street for change.
So what can I do? I can focus on school. (Although that really doesn’t sound as fun as performing in front of people or being on tv). I can try to play more places, small local coffee shops or even cafes at my university. Write more songs. Keep singing at church. Keep minding myself and not paying attention to other people. And try to find some kind of spray to get rid of my little green monster.
The bottom line is, I feel jealous because I don’t have confidence in myself as compared to her.
And that is something I can change.
It’s going to be hard, but I hope that I can get rid of the little green glutton feasting on my heart.