Little Green Monster

I hate admitting it, but I’m jealous.

An old classmate of mine is pursuing her dream to become a singer and she is achieving it. She’s performing places, getting on tv, becoming known for her voice. And as much as I wish I could be happy for her, I can’t.

I must be a horrible person.

A little green monster is feasting upon my heart. I don’t like it, wish I could shoo him away, but it seems like he is there to stay.

The thing is, I’m not even mad at her. I’m mad because she’s out there being awesome and I’m not. I’m mad that I can’t devote as much time to playing music as I’d like. I’m mad that people don’t know my name, or praise my voice. I’m mad that her family is supportive of her musical dreams, while my folks are not. I’m mad that she has the guts to put herself out there, no matter what.

When you get down to it, it’s my problem that I’m mad at her. I feel inferior towards her. I’m not confident in my talent. I’m not the kind of person who thrusts herself in the spot light.

She’s out there chasing her dreams, and what am I doing? Sitting around jealous. Fat load that will do.

I don’t think I could ever audition for a television show. I don’t have the kind of ego for that, or a thick enough skin. I can’t go out every week looking for a gig. I can’t just start playing guitar on the street for change.

So what can I do? I can focus on school. (Although that really doesn’t sound as fun as performing in front of people or being on tv). I can try to play more places, small local coffee shops or even cafes at my university. Write more songs. Keep singing at church. Keep minding myself and not paying attention to other people. And try to find some kind of spray to get rid of my little green monster.

The bottom line is, I feel jealous because I don’t have confidence in myself as compared to her.

And that is something I can change.

It’s going to be hard, but I hope that I can get rid of the little green glutton feasting on my heart.

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10 Responses to Little Green Monster

  1. gpyrois says:

    A word of advice. When I was in high school I believed I was really good at basketball. I was the starting point guard on a J.V. team as a freshman and was a sure lock for varsity. I ended up getting a “D” for the year in school in world history, and was given an ultimatum by the Dean that if I didn’t get a “C” or better in summer school, the Catholic School I was attended would put me out. Well I got a “D” again, and sure enough, they showed me the door. After that my basketball career fluttered and never fully regained momentum, while the kid who use to “ride-the-bench” behind me at the Catholic School quickly assumed my duties and ended up with a college scholarship to a really good basketball school.

    As you could imagine I was sick to my stomach and couldn’t watch college basketball for a long while after that. Instead of college I joined the military and ended up on the Base basketball team I was stationed at, which traveled around and played local colleges. It was while playing for the Marines that I realized “it was never going to happened” for me! I wasn’t big enough, strong enough, or fast enough, although my ego never had embraced that.

    It still hurts to this day, but over time I realized that when it’s meant to be it comes regardless of the obstacles, and even though there is a level of dedication to any dream it doesn’t appear like a chore. I also realized that at it’s core, I wanted this dream for other people, their adulation, praise, money, and status! Not because I was born to do it which makes all the difference.

    • Hi Gyprois,
      Thanks for sharing your story and for the advice. It is definitely good to reevaluate things and keep it all in perspective. Maybe a career in music just isn’t for me, but it is for her. If so, it seems like she is already off to a good start. Hope your day is going well! Thanks for reading and commenting

  2. braixetta says:

    I know right!!! I always try to stay positive, but I can’t. I know how it feels… Sorry. It will get better

  3. regina5000 says:

    First, you have to focus on school, next, try to let people know how amazing you are, you have to be patient, because it takes a lot of time, it´s not easy. You can also show internet how great you are, because, that way, you can get part of fame by your blog. Then, you´ll make your dream come true. Don´t be jealous of that girl, mind your own dream and show her your way better than her. Don´t mind about others, you´re you´re own buisness.

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