Ever since I realized that I had Anxiety, I became more aware of how easily thoughts drift in and out of my head. Of course, everyone has their occasional bouts of day dreaming, but I feel that I am more prone to it than most. Rather than thinking about one perfect day, this perfect day will turn into the perfect week, the perfect month, the perfect lifetime… When I get lost in my thoughts, I can envision myself far ahead in all kinds of situations. I get noticeably upset or happy as a result of these “situations” even though they are not real. It’s annoying to have to catch myself every time I escape to la-la land, but I do it.
Recently, I’ve had my head all caught up with Mr. Swing. I’ll envision in my head all kinds of happy scenarios (he likes me back, asks me out on a date…) as well as depressing scenarios (doesn’t see me the same way, rejects me…). It’s quite exhausting.
Not to mention, I have better things I can do with my time.
My therapist has told me that what I’m doing is “projecting”. I’m trying to envision the future, and prepare myself for all of the possibilities. But it’s impossible to do so. It’s emotionally draining and quite out of my reach! So why bother?
I’ve also found, that if I’m being honest with myself, underneath all of these “scenarios” is a fat load of insecurities.
That I’m not “good” enough.
That I’m not attractive enough.
That someone won’t be able to love me.
That I’ll end up alone.
I’m not sure how to settle these insecurities. You can’t feel better about yourself by jumping into a relationship and having someone reaffirm you. Their reaffirmations mean nothing if you still doubt yourself.
The change has to come from within.
Readers, do you ever feel the same way? How do we learn to love ourselves?