Sleeping

 

Damn dog. Unwillingly, I crack my eyelids open and stumble out of bed to let her out. It’s 2:00 AM. I shouldn’t be awake at 2:00 AM.

But that isn’t the only time I woke up last night. I woke up sporadically, anxious thoughts flooding my mind. What were the topics of my worries? Thinking about my summer plans, Fall quarter plans, that guy I saw for lunch, whether people respected me or not… The list goes on and on. Continuously tossing and turning, my mind restless like ocean waves. The sea was choppy, not calm that night.

In vain, I try to wrestle my sail and redirect my boat. I have the rudder in my hands, but I’m still not in control. My anxiety steers the ship.

I try deep breathing, I try practicing mindfulness. I struggle to wrench my thoughts back to the present. They always want to stay in the future or the past, my brain is never where my two feet are.

And then there’s the self loathing. The voice in the back of my head that says, “You are weak. You are unwanted. No one will want to be involved with the likes of you.”

Needless to say, I didn’t sleep well.

And in the light of day, I still struggle with these thoughts in the back of my subconscious. Feelings of worthlessness, insecurities, exhaustion from wandering thoughts. Anxiety is a constant struggle. How many blog posts have I written? How many panic attacks have I had? How many of the same thoughts persist in my brain?

It’s a struggle, but I’m here. Sending good vibes to others who are fighting the good fight. You may lose battles, but at the end of the day you’re still winning the war. You’re going out, accomplishing things, shining brightly for others to see. You got this.

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