When I’m really stressed out, I tend to wake up in the middle of the night. I’ve tried different strategies to fall asleep, but I think writing has been most helpful. My anxiety has the ability to make the most obnoxious fears. Fears that would not dare come out in the daytime, but will only attack my subconscious in the night. Fears that are highly unlikely, but feel very real in my bed at 4 AM. So I write them out! Somehow, seeing these fears on paper allows me to look at them with a logical perspective and see that they are not realistic at all.
Last night, when I woke up with a jolt in my bed at 4 AM, I was dreaming that my dad had found me. I haven’t had contact with him for 10 days, and before that it was longer still. I’ve been living with extended family for the past month.
Living away from him has allowed me to resume my normal life: working at school, dancing, seeing friends. I’m no longer suffocated by the air of his unpredictability, or held by my mom with the responsibility of taking care of him. (If you haven’t been following my blog, my dad is bipolar and currently in an unstable manic state. Not sure what bipolar is? Read here for more info).
So in short, my life has become more positive with more distance from my dad. But I also live in constant fear of having an emotional or possibly violent confrontation with him. He has always had anger issues, and when he is manic, he is even more irritable and likely to cuss, shout, or hurt someone.
Even though the possibility of having a confrontation with him is scary, I shouldn’t fear it. I have managed to live away from home for a month with no disturbances. I should find peace in that and let it be.
Last night when writing, I had two subheadings for both of my parents. I wrote out specific details of what was stressing me out in my relationship with them. I wrote with the purpose of being completely honest with myself, and also analyzed my feelings. Why was I resentful? Why do I have a hard time forgiving? I then wrote another subheading “How I Will Get Through It”. The list follows:
- daily exercise
- daily meditation
- self affirmations
- I am strong
- I am smart
- I am beautiful
- I am powerful
- I am well liked
- I am respected
- I am mature
- I am capable
- I do not have to be encumbered by my parents’ problems
- I can hang out with friends and go dancing
- All I can do is control myself
- I control my feelings
- I control my body
- I control how I perceive my situation
- I choose happiness
I hope that this post resonates with you in some way, and that you can also try writing about your problems. How do you fall asleep when you wake up due to stress?