Sometimes I feel like there is a void inside of me. I try and fill this void with “likes”, pretty selfies, or constant communication with friends. When I am home with nothing to do, the void gapes at me with fearsome jaws. “Feed me!” the void demands. And I willingly comply.
A lot of change has been occurring in my life. My relationship with my father is almost non-existent. I no longer have a house to call my own, or a quiet room to reside in. When friends ask me to get lunch, I tell them that money is tight. I offer cheaper or free alternatives to hang out. I confessed my feelings to someone who expressed interest but doesn’t want a relationship.
So it makes sense that I’m searching for acceptance.
Nothing is stable and it’s killing me.
But I’m aware of the void. I must make peace with the monster before it devours me whole. Because in the end, no one else can make me happy. Acceptance from others means nothing, if I cannot accept myself.
It is a constant uphill battle. I have to train my mind to think positively, notice unhealthy behaviors, and not get myself down. There are plenty of times I feel like giving up.
But then I pause and breathe. I tell myself that I am a warrior. I will get through this, I must.
And like a phoenix rises out of the ashes, so will I, with grace and beauty.